Do you ever have a feeling, an inkling that something great is going to happen or maybe something bad... a premonition. A vision of things to come but not knowing how to grasp it, hold it tightly in your hand so that you can feel it become real. A longing for a feeling or a person you left behind.
The past few years have been tough. I sit here reading this blog, visiting my old you tube channel, looking back at pictures and am amazed at the person I once was. Where is she? Where did she go? Will she ever come back? Will I never feel that passion ever again. Do I even deserve it? Man, I had it all figured out back then, life was great. What happened?
Life.
You weren't strong enough to keep on going, you made a huge mess, and now you are back to square one... or even lower than that.
Regrets, reflection, deep thought, so many tears, failures, broken hearts, and a clouded unclear mind. Sometimes I feel like I can't breathe. All this weight of my life crashing down on me and I'm all alone. All I have is me, and that is definitely not enough. I can't even look at myself in the mirror without a feeling of failure.
BUT there hasn't been a week in the last 5 years that I stopped thinking of lacing up and putting one leg in front of the other, the peace, the joy that came with that.
I can't help to think about my daughters and their names that I felt led to call them. Grace, Hope and Faith. Such sweet words, with powerful meanings. I'm going to hold onto that. Because even if I don't feel those 3 powerful words at the moment, they are in my life each and everyday. I'm holding on to that because I have nothing else in me to hold onto. I've never been so broken in my life as I am now.
I think that its time. I've suffered enough. I need to stop punishing myself and get on with it. A new season, I want to run again. I want to try one more time. I'm tired of feeling so defeated. I don't even know where to start, so this will have to do.
