Results and a heartcheck

After writing my last blog and talking to Erin, I felt so much peace.

God revealed Himself to me about a year ago and had me on my knees, He promised me that if I gave him my smoking habit (FOR REAL THIS TIME) that He would grant me my dream of running a marathon.

God is FAITHFUL!!!

This journey has not been an easy one, it has taken alot of hard work and dedication.  Through the early morning runs, I have come to know God more that ever and continue to seek Him.  At the age of 28, I am finally finding myself, figuring out who I truly am, what I stand for. I have discovered strength and drive that I had no idea I had.  Each step closer to the marathon brings bigger dreams and confidence to dream big.

Running is therapy to me.  This past year has been a year of healing for me.  I have ran with joy, tears, confusion, frustration and each and every time I have felt release.  Loosing my babies was such a tragic experience in my life, something I won't ever quite understand, but the time I spend running has given me peace.

Sometimes I get off track, I forget His promise to me.  Sometimes I get too caught up in the "I have to run"  feeling that it is not fun.  Some days I don't even wanna run.  But there is never a run I finish that I ever feel like I shouldn't have done it. 

This is my personal journey with God and I feel like He takes the time to remind me every now and then, keep my mind and goal centered on Him.  I can't do it without His presence.


My life has not been the hardest, but it has come with alot of challenges and hurts, alot of confusing moments where I just don't understand why, but I do know that He has been with me through it all.  He has redeemed my life in a big way.  He has given me a chance to live out my dream of becoming a marathoner and has also given me an opportunity to become a mother of strength, a mother who can show her daughters that it is okay to dream, it is okay to have goals and to show them that it IS possible with God!! I can now live my life free of addiction!! My girls will never have to smell cigarette smoke coming from their mother.

My heart in all of this is that I would show and give God the glory in all that I do with my life.  Running is a gift He has given me. May my heart never forget that.

I haven't ran for 2 weeks.  I have experienced alot of emotions. The strongest of them was doubt.  My heart has been so far into this that the thought of not being able to run this marathon was so painful.  I really think God allowed me to go through this to give me the question He has given me since the beginning of this journey: Where is your heart? Where is your focus? I need to constantly be reminded that God is not a "tool" in this journey... He is the finish line!! He is the reason I run and  even though running helps with life, only He completes me.  Running is a gift of worship He has granted me, a door to His presence.

I am very happy to say that this marathon is gonna happen.  There were no broken bones found in my x-rays.  My foot is feeling so much better, I am taking it nice and easy and will continue to train.  Can you believe I have 6 weeks until the marathon??!!! I am so excited!! The butterflies are already starting to be felt.  I can already envision myself at the start line. I'm really doing this!!! My heart is so full as I write this.  God has truly blessed this journey.

 

Before and After pics...Reflecting on Life

So here are some pics of me that I put together.  It was really fun to put these pics together and see the progress, but it also has caused me to reflect.  The first pic brought tears to me eyes, this pic was taken in Dec. 2010, I remember how terrible I felt at that point in my life, what should have been a very joyous time giving birth to my 2nd child 3 months before had left me feeling like I was literally in a deep dark pit that I could not get out of.  Postpartum depression had gotten a very strong hold on me, I missed my twins and mentally could not get over the fact that I had given birth to just one child... Emotionally I was a MESS!! I HAD a responsibility to nurture and care for my 2 daughters but had to fight to wake up in the morning everyday.  This was a very hard time in my life and I hung on to any positive word, smile, comment on fb... ANYTHING to keep me going.  I remember looking at myself in the mirror and not recognizing the person that I saw...my eyes looked empty and I struggled to see what God saw.  I am so thankful for a loving husband who held me on the nights when it hurt so much all I could do was cry, who encouraged me daily with kind words, and reminded me that I WAS a good mother and wife.  He motivated me on the days when I didn't want to live anymore... yes, it was that bad!!! He also helped challenge me to start making a change, together, though, it was small, baby steps.  That is why we took this pic of me.  I think at that time I was around 175lbs, we had got a Wii and purchased the WII FIT, i could not really do any of the workouts, but I tried. My abs were like JELLO!
The second pic was in July 2011, last year... I was eating better, going to the gym and doing a Jillian Micheals 30 Day shred DVD workout, running every now and then and also using my treadmill when I could.  I know that I was in a better place and had gained a bit of self confidence just from looking at the pictures that we had been taking month after month. I also began to reach out to other women and share my struggles, there I gained much needed advice, friendship and motivation even though I was very afraid of sharing my pain.
The last picture was just recently taken on vacation in July 2012.  It has been 4 months since I started running and I am very happy to see how my body is changing doing something I LOVE!!! I am starting to tone and see muscle!!! It's been a LONG time since I have seen muscle!! I am now a healthy 138lbs.
I really am humbled today.  Life the past couple of years has been tough but I kept on going, even if it was just getting up and brushing my teeth.  Little by little, I started to feel alive again. Little by little, I started to want to live again.  God walked and sometimes carried me through the depression.  It was not an easy journey and it is still a journey that I am on, but I know now that I am STRONGER because of it!!! I know now that I am CAPABLE!!! That if I choose everyday to do something that will better my well being, it WILL CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.  Small daily decisions and actions do add up and I am a testimony of that!! Losing weight was NOT EASY for me, it was a struggle everyday!! If you are in that place, Keep GOING, IT WILL GET BETTER!!!

Beginnings of a mommy runner...

So I am 27 years old, married for 4 years in November. I have to be honest when I write 27 I cringe a little. Not that I am ashamed with my age, it’s not that at all. The past couple of years happened so quickly that I feel like I may have fully missed out on them.  Life has been, well, a roller coaster for me and my family. My hubby and I got married during college in 2008. We lost a baby in 2007 before we got married and so when Gracie was conceived we were thrilled, but still not married. When I was about 6 months we took the dive into the unknown...Marriage!! The beginning stages in my pregnancy with Gracie were very scary as I had a couple of hospital visits, she made it and changed our lives FOREVER!! When Gracie was about 6 months, we decided to move from Arkansas to Atlanta, GA. It was probably not the smartest move but we were young and wanted adventure. A couple of months later, I became pregnant AGAIN, this time with TWINS!! When I was about 8 weeks, I found out there were 2 little ones in my womb, a week later… I lost them. You could imagine how devastated we were having to call everyone we called a week before to tell them what had happened. The worst feeling was feeling like sleeping my life away when I still had a baby girl who still needed her mommy. Well about a month and a half later… GUESS WHAT???!!! I WAS PREGNANT AGAIN!!!! This time we really didn't expect it, but it was confirmed that there was a little one growing in my belly. This time I didn't even want to move, I feared losing this baby, but thankfully my baby made it, we named her HOPE and she has truly been hope to our family. With all that said, mommy hood, has been very tough on me.  Loneliness, seclusion, striving to be and do your best everyday and feeling like a failure...  it felt like THIS was my life, like God had nothing else for me, and in a way I was okay with that, but it left me feeling very empty. When I was younger I had dreams, and for some reason in my small little mind I had decided that it was too late. But God, being so faithful, intervened in a very powerful way 4 months ago. I am 5’3 and after I had Hope, I was at my heaviest of 180. I physically could not recognize myself. Before babies I was about 125-130 and a runner. Fear had taken over my life. I felt like I could not move, like life had stopped for me. Depression had taken over. Little by little God started to remind me of how great it used to feel to run. I played with the thought, but then it changed, it became a dream, a fantasy. It never crossed my mind that I could get back to where I was before. After all, I was a closet cigarette smoker who had accepted the fact that I would always be a cigarette smoker because it was the only thing that helped calm my nerves… In February of this year, I was on my treadmill, processing my thoughts, mostly complaining to God about how terrible I feel and how terrible my life is and so on and so forth, I had even started to ask myself why I even get on this treadmill, nothing will become of it… silly me to think I used to believe I could run a marathon one day… To my amazement, God met me there on that treadmill while trying to do a short interval training session. He took my back to a track meet in high school. freshman year, It was our District meet and I ran the JV 3200, the memory of it was so clear I could smell the freshly cut grass, I remember seeing my coach close to the finish line and then another teacher of mine at another part of the track, they were both reminding me of my breathing and my pace and encouraging me, telling me that if I just kept on going I would win this race. There words were so encouraging that I ended up not only winning but lapping some of the girls. At this time I was not running on my treadmill anymore, I was on my knees on my treadmill crying, God reminded me that He was there when I won that race, He reminded me that the passion, the dream, the fire I once had was put into my heart by Him!!! The feeling of racing had overwhelmed me, and instantly I wanted that again!!! So as I stood on my knees, red faced, God made a really great deal with me, all I had to do was FINALLY STOP SMOKING and He would give me my dream of running a marathon… So on March 5, I stopped smoking and started running. I haven't touched a cigarette!!! I have been able to run 10 miles once on the 3 month anniversary and then last week. My 5k time has improved tremendously and I am now beginning to train for my first half marathon in October!!! I am hoping that this blog will encourage others on a similar journey, I hope to meet other mommy runners out there, but I also hope to inspire others out there as well. Losing a baby is not easy and most times, people really don't know what to say or how to heal, so we just tuck in in and try our hardest to forget about it which in turn leaves us feeling… well dead. I hope to met others who have suffered miscarriage, stillborn, and help you walk or run through it!! For me, running has been so therapeutic in this area. Any mommies trying to get your “sexy" back and need support, I would love to connect and encourage!! I am now down to 138 from 180 and LOVE what running has done to my body physically. Running truly has revived me in many ways and I would love to inspire others on this journey as well. GOD IS GOOD and I am so thankful that I am running again!! It has given me much needed ME TIME, helps keep my life in perspective as I’m able to sort out my thoughts while running and I get to rediscover this strong women within me. So this is just the beginnings of a mommy runner, Life has been tough but I have became TOUGH because of life, so I’m gonna keep on running.
Goal: Marathon in the Spring 2013!! Here we GO!!