Honestly...

I am in my 3rd week of half marathon training, I am also in the process of training my daughter Hope to go potty like a big girl. She will be 2 in the end of September and I am really proud of her progress!! I had been training her by leaving her diaper off and having the potty in our living room (thank God for hardwood floors.) She has been doing great for the past 2 weeks.  Today I have introduced "big girl" panties to her and she is thrilled!! She doesn't quite get the concept of pulling them down, but she does take them completely off and then I help her put them back on after she goes potty. Of course my husband and I made it a huge celebration this morning when she got it right the first time. :) That truely made my day, to just take a step back and enjoy small accomplishments.

As far as my training is going, well, this week has been harder than the last 2!! Honestly, I have had the hardest time waking up in the morning.  I know that if I want to stay consistent especially when I enter my marathon training I am going to have to BE WILLING to wake up in the morning.  Honestly, bedtime for my daughters is always a struggle and I fail most nights to stay firm and keep a schedule.  Honestly, I can't truly fall asleep until my hubby gets home from work (which is a little after 1 am.) Honestly, most nights there is a Hope in the middle of us who LOVES to sleep sideways.  HONESTLY bedtime makes me feel like a failure, because I can't get it right!! I'm so tired I tend to get frustrated and raise my voice.  What child would wanna go to sleep to that? When I do finally get to bed, I am flooded with thoughts of life, I try to plan out how my run will go, I'll put out my clothes, set my alarm and try my hardest to get to bed, the past couple of days I have failed to wake up.  On my first day of training for this week (Tuesday) I turned off my alarm and slept, missing out on that workout.  On Wednesday, my phone charger stopped working which caused my phone to die in the middle of the night.  I was thankful that my husband was willing to wake up with the girls while I got in a quick interval workout on a track nearby, but it was HOT!! Last night, I think Gracie finally fell asleep at 11:00. I then had to clean the kitchen, throw the trash, fold clothes and make sure my phone was charging (with my husband's charger.) When all that was done, I tried my hardest to fall asleep.  And then Hope comes in and is ready to take her spot on the bed!! My husband arrived home and we ended up talking for a while (which I really enjoy after being by myself for most of the day.)  I ended up taking my phone and trying to sleep on the couch, since I didn't wanna wake up my daughter Hope.  So I am gonna say it was about 2:30 when I laid down, I had intended to wake up at 5:30 so that I could make it to a mommy running group nearby (which I am really excited about.) Before I knew it, I woke up, except the sun was out, I looked at my time and it was 7:15!!!! My alarm must have went off, but I turned it off. :( 

SILLY FACE

I shared my frustration with my husband and again, he came to my rescue and agreed to wake up a bit earlier so that I could get in 3 miles in our neighborhood.  As I began running, I felt a lot of release, some of it was worry, frustration, stress.  Honestly, I ran the first mile of my run ANGRY.  I needed to, it is my way of release.  I cried a little and like always, God met me, He always does when I run.  I know that these small little problems/ setbacks, He is allowing to make me stronger.  To make me more aware of life.  To be thankful for the little things in life.  To allow my husband to help me.  To mold me into the mother, wife and daughter of the Most High that I am created to be.  He gave me a mantra today." A thankful heart finishes the race" and "press on" I said it over and over again in my last mile.  It spoke wonders to me. 

BIG SMILE

So this is just me being real.  I had decided that when I started this blog it was going to come with challenges and I was going to share them because sometimes, we must go through struggles, setbacks and pain to get to where we wanna be.  It will make us stronger, it will also allow us to be thankful when we reach our goals.  To look back and remember how far we have come.
After my run, I waked into my house and came into the noises of loud girly laughs and daddy growls and a very "jumpy" dog (She is a jack-chi.)  I instantly felt peace, a calm that only God can give and I know that today is gonna be a good day. It may not be perfect, I will have my struggles, bedtime is gonna be tough again. I will try harder, I will practice the grace and mercy that God gives me for my daughters.  I will try a little harder to get to bed earlier.  I will be thankful that I am alive and that I am surrounded by people who love me. Honestly, I know that I am stronger than these struggles and setbacks, I will not give up.

Before and After pics...Reflecting on Life

So here are some pics of me that I put together.  It was really fun to put these pics together and see the progress, but it also has caused me to reflect.  The first pic brought tears to me eyes, this pic was taken in Dec. 2010, I remember how terrible I felt at that point in my life, what should have been a very joyous time giving birth to my 2nd child 3 months before had left me feeling like I was literally in a deep dark pit that I could not get out of.  Postpartum depression had gotten a very strong hold on me, I missed my twins and mentally could not get over the fact that I had given birth to just one child... Emotionally I was a MESS!! I HAD a responsibility to nurture and care for my 2 daughters but had to fight to wake up in the morning everyday.  This was a very hard time in my life and I hung on to any positive word, smile, comment on fb... ANYTHING to keep me going.  I remember looking at myself in the mirror and not recognizing the person that I saw...my eyes looked empty and I struggled to see what God saw.  I am so thankful for a loving husband who held me on the nights when it hurt so much all I could do was cry, who encouraged me daily with kind words, and reminded me that I WAS a good mother and wife.  He motivated me on the days when I didn't want to live anymore... yes, it was that bad!!! He also helped challenge me to start making a change, together, though, it was small, baby steps.  That is why we took this pic of me.  I think at that time I was around 175lbs, we had got a Wii and purchased the WII FIT, i could not really do any of the workouts, but I tried. My abs were like JELLO!
The second pic was in July 2011, last year... I was eating better, going to the gym and doing a Jillian Micheals 30 Day shred DVD workout, running every now and then and also using my treadmill when I could.  I know that I was in a better place and had gained a bit of self confidence just from looking at the pictures that we had been taking month after month. I also began to reach out to other women and share my struggles, there I gained much needed advice, friendship and motivation even though I was very afraid of sharing my pain.
The last picture was just recently taken on vacation in July 2012.  It has been 4 months since I started running and I am very happy to see how my body is changing doing something I LOVE!!! I am starting to tone and see muscle!!! It's been a LONG time since I have seen muscle!! I am now a healthy 138lbs.
I really am humbled today.  Life the past couple of years has been tough but I kept on going, even if it was just getting up and brushing my teeth.  Little by little, I started to feel alive again. Little by little, I started to want to live again.  God walked and sometimes carried me through the depression.  It was not an easy journey and it is still a journey that I am on, but I know now that I am STRONGER because of it!!! I know now that I am CAPABLE!!! That if I choose everyday to do something that will better my well being, it WILL CHANGE FOR THE BETTER.  Small daily decisions and actions do add up and I am a testimony of that!! Losing weight was NOT EASY for me, it was a struggle everyday!! If you are in that place, Keep GOING, IT WILL GET BETTER!!!

Beginnings of a mommy runner...

So I am 27 years old, married for 4 years in November. I have to be honest when I write 27 I cringe a little. Not that I am ashamed with my age, it’s not that at all. The past couple of years happened so quickly that I feel like I may have fully missed out on them.  Life has been, well, a roller coaster for me and my family. My hubby and I got married during college in 2008. We lost a baby in 2007 before we got married and so when Gracie was conceived we were thrilled, but still not married. When I was about 6 months we took the dive into the unknown...Marriage!! The beginning stages in my pregnancy with Gracie were very scary as I had a couple of hospital visits, she made it and changed our lives FOREVER!! When Gracie was about 6 months, we decided to move from Arkansas to Atlanta, GA. It was probably not the smartest move but we were young and wanted adventure. A couple of months later, I became pregnant AGAIN, this time with TWINS!! When I was about 8 weeks, I found out there were 2 little ones in my womb, a week later… I lost them. You could imagine how devastated we were having to call everyone we called a week before to tell them what had happened. The worst feeling was feeling like sleeping my life away when I still had a baby girl who still needed her mommy. Well about a month and a half later… GUESS WHAT???!!! I WAS PREGNANT AGAIN!!!! This time we really didn't expect it, but it was confirmed that there was a little one growing in my belly. This time I didn't even want to move, I feared losing this baby, but thankfully my baby made it, we named her HOPE and she has truly been hope to our family. With all that said, mommy hood, has been very tough on me.  Loneliness, seclusion, striving to be and do your best everyday and feeling like a failure...  it felt like THIS was my life, like God had nothing else for me, and in a way I was okay with that, but it left me feeling very empty. When I was younger I had dreams, and for some reason in my small little mind I had decided that it was too late. But God, being so faithful, intervened in a very powerful way 4 months ago. I am 5’3 and after I had Hope, I was at my heaviest of 180. I physically could not recognize myself. Before babies I was about 125-130 and a runner. Fear had taken over my life. I felt like I could not move, like life had stopped for me. Depression had taken over. Little by little God started to remind me of how great it used to feel to run. I played with the thought, but then it changed, it became a dream, a fantasy. It never crossed my mind that I could get back to where I was before. After all, I was a closet cigarette smoker who had accepted the fact that I would always be a cigarette smoker because it was the only thing that helped calm my nerves… In February of this year, I was on my treadmill, processing my thoughts, mostly complaining to God about how terrible I feel and how terrible my life is and so on and so forth, I had even started to ask myself why I even get on this treadmill, nothing will become of it… silly me to think I used to believe I could run a marathon one day… To my amazement, God met me there on that treadmill while trying to do a short interval training session. He took my back to a track meet in high school. freshman year, It was our District meet and I ran the JV 3200, the memory of it was so clear I could smell the freshly cut grass, I remember seeing my coach close to the finish line and then another teacher of mine at another part of the track, they were both reminding me of my breathing and my pace and encouraging me, telling me that if I just kept on going I would win this race. There words were so encouraging that I ended up not only winning but lapping some of the girls. At this time I was not running on my treadmill anymore, I was on my knees on my treadmill crying, God reminded me that He was there when I won that race, He reminded me that the passion, the dream, the fire I once had was put into my heart by Him!!! The feeling of racing had overwhelmed me, and instantly I wanted that again!!! So as I stood on my knees, red faced, God made a really great deal with me, all I had to do was FINALLY STOP SMOKING and He would give me my dream of running a marathon… So on March 5, I stopped smoking and started running. I haven't touched a cigarette!!! I have been able to run 10 miles once on the 3 month anniversary and then last week. My 5k time has improved tremendously and I am now beginning to train for my first half marathon in October!!! I am hoping that this blog will encourage others on a similar journey, I hope to meet other mommy runners out there, but I also hope to inspire others out there as well. Losing a baby is not easy and most times, people really don't know what to say or how to heal, so we just tuck in in and try our hardest to forget about it which in turn leaves us feeling… well dead. I hope to met others who have suffered miscarriage, stillborn, and help you walk or run through it!! For me, running has been so therapeutic in this area. Any mommies trying to get your “sexy" back and need support, I would love to connect and encourage!! I am now down to 138 from 180 and LOVE what running has done to my body physically. Running truly has revived me in many ways and I would love to inspire others on this journey as well. GOD IS GOOD and I am so thankful that I am running again!! It has given me much needed ME TIME, helps keep my life in perspective as I’m able to sort out my thoughts while running and I get to rediscover this strong women within me. So this is just the beginnings of a mommy runner, Life has been tough but I have became TOUGH because of life, so I’m gonna keep on running.
Goal: Marathon in the Spring 2013!! Here we GO!!