Results and a heartcheck

After writing my last blog and talking to Erin, I felt so much peace.

God revealed Himself to me about a year ago and had me on my knees, He promised me that if I gave him my smoking habit (FOR REAL THIS TIME) that He would grant me my dream of running a marathon.

God is FAITHFUL!!!

This journey has not been an easy one, it has taken alot of hard work and dedication.  Through the early morning runs, I have come to know God more that ever and continue to seek Him.  At the age of 28, I am finally finding myself, figuring out who I truly am, what I stand for. I have discovered strength and drive that I had no idea I had.  Each step closer to the marathon brings bigger dreams and confidence to dream big.

Running is therapy to me.  This past year has been a year of healing for me.  I have ran with joy, tears, confusion, frustration and each and every time I have felt release.  Loosing my babies was such a tragic experience in my life, something I won't ever quite understand, but the time I spend running has given me peace.

Sometimes I get off track, I forget His promise to me.  Sometimes I get too caught up in the "I have to run"  feeling that it is not fun.  Some days I don't even wanna run.  But there is never a run I finish that I ever feel like I shouldn't have done it. 

This is my personal journey with God and I feel like He takes the time to remind me every now and then, keep my mind and goal centered on Him.  I can't do it without His presence.


My life has not been the hardest, but it has come with alot of challenges and hurts, alot of confusing moments where I just don't understand why, but I do know that He has been with me through it all.  He has redeemed my life in a big way.  He has given me a chance to live out my dream of becoming a marathoner and has also given me an opportunity to become a mother of strength, a mother who can show her daughters that it is okay to dream, it is okay to have goals and to show them that it IS possible with God!! I can now live my life free of addiction!! My girls will never have to smell cigarette smoke coming from their mother.

My heart in all of this is that I would show and give God the glory in all that I do with my life.  Running is a gift He has given me. May my heart never forget that.

I haven't ran for 2 weeks.  I have experienced alot of emotions. The strongest of them was doubt.  My heart has been so far into this that the thought of not being able to run this marathon was so painful.  I really think God allowed me to go through this to give me the question He has given me since the beginning of this journey: Where is your heart? Where is your focus? I need to constantly be reminded that God is not a "tool" in this journey... He is the finish line!! He is the reason I run and  even though running helps with life, only He completes me.  Running is a gift of worship He has granted me, a door to His presence.

I am very happy to say that this marathon is gonna happen.  There were no broken bones found in my x-rays.  My foot is feeling so much better, I am taking it nice and easy and will continue to train.  Can you believe I have 6 weeks until the marathon??!!! I am so excited!! The butterflies are already starting to be felt.  I can already envision myself at the start line. I'm really doing this!!! My heart is so full as I write this.  God has truly blessed this journey.

 

Into Week 4 Half Marathon Training

I finished week 3!!! Which was really a hard week for me, I failed to wake up in the morning most of the week.  So I made a goal to do things differently this week.
1.  Get the girls on a better schedule (Thanks to a very sweet friend who gave me great advice after reading my last blog, you know who you are!)
2.  Get to bed at a decent time!! (even though the Olympics have caused me to stay up!!! But hey it only happens once every 4 years.)
3.  This is the big one... silly I never thought of it before:  PUT MY ALARM AWAY FROM MY BED!!!!!
I giggle a little when I write this because, if someone where to record me jumping off of my bed and trying to remember how to turn it off every morning, it would be hilarious!!!!

So far this has been working great!! I am starting to get excited cause the long runs are getting longer!! I LOVE long runs and am really looking foward to them, especially since I get to do them with  Back on My Feet.  When I started running again, a friend of my husband's, Barry,(who is pretty awesome)  introduced me to this group and I have been a part of it since then.  I absolutely love what they stand for and believe in their mission statement.  If you have never heard about them check out their website: http://atlanta.backonmyfeet.org/atlanta-landing.html 

Back on My Feet Atlanta on National Running Day

Anyways, I run with the group on Wednesdays and Saturdays and will be running my very first half marathon on their team which makes it even more special for me.  I have been inspired, pushed and encouraged by the group. Being able to run alongside others who have rediscovered their strength and potential though running has been a wonderful experience. 

So here is a recap of what I did for the 3rd week:  This was an easy week as I only had 4 workouts to do (this was the week I was to do a 5k) I didnt end up actually racing one and decided to do a long run instead.
Day 1: Interval Workout 6X400
Day 2 3 mile run
Day 3 3.5 mile
Day 4: 6 mile run with BOMF

I really feel like I have gotten over a mountain in my mind.  My goals are a lot more clearer and I feel stronger physically, emotionally and spiritually.  I am so thankful for the support that I have received from friends and family.  It makes the early morning runs easier to know that there are people out there who believe that I will accomplish the goal that God has placed in my heart. On Friday, I decided to reconnect with a dear friend of mine and watch an 80's cover band and just enjoy a night out. I went there knowing that it would be a place where there were gonna be people smoking.  I had a great time, the cover band was awesome, the company was great, and I didn't smoke!! I didn't even have a desire to smoke!!! YES!!! :)  Thank you Lord!! Now to get my precious girls to bed.

Hope, Gracie and Kona

Honestly...

I am in my 3rd week of half marathon training, I am also in the process of training my daughter Hope to go potty like a big girl. She will be 2 in the end of September and I am really proud of her progress!! I had been training her by leaving her diaper off and having the potty in our living room (thank God for hardwood floors.) She has been doing great for the past 2 weeks.  Today I have introduced "big girl" panties to her and she is thrilled!! She doesn't quite get the concept of pulling them down, but she does take them completely off and then I help her put them back on after she goes potty. Of course my husband and I made it a huge celebration this morning when she got it right the first time. :) That truely made my day, to just take a step back and enjoy small accomplishments.

As far as my training is going, well, this week has been harder than the last 2!! Honestly, I have had the hardest time waking up in the morning.  I know that if I want to stay consistent especially when I enter my marathon training I am going to have to BE WILLING to wake up in the morning.  Honestly, bedtime for my daughters is always a struggle and I fail most nights to stay firm and keep a schedule.  Honestly, I can't truly fall asleep until my hubby gets home from work (which is a little after 1 am.) Honestly, most nights there is a Hope in the middle of us who LOVES to sleep sideways.  HONESTLY bedtime makes me feel like a failure, because I can't get it right!! I'm so tired I tend to get frustrated and raise my voice.  What child would wanna go to sleep to that? When I do finally get to bed, I am flooded with thoughts of life, I try to plan out how my run will go, I'll put out my clothes, set my alarm and try my hardest to get to bed, the past couple of days I have failed to wake up.  On my first day of training for this week (Tuesday) I turned off my alarm and slept, missing out on that workout.  On Wednesday, my phone charger stopped working which caused my phone to die in the middle of the night.  I was thankful that my husband was willing to wake up with the girls while I got in a quick interval workout on a track nearby, but it was HOT!! Last night, I think Gracie finally fell asleep at 11:00. I then had to clean the kitchen, throw the trash, fold clothes and make sure my phone was charging (with my husband's charger.) When all that was done, I tried my hardest to fall asleep.  And then Hope comes in and is ready to take her spot on the bed!! My husband arrived home and we ended up talking for a while (which I really enjoy after being by myself for most of the day.)  I ended up taking my phone and trying to sleep on the couch, since I didn't wanna wake up my daughter Hope.  So I am gonna say it was about 2:30 when I laid down, I had intended to wake up at 5:30 so that I could make it to a mommy running group nearby (which I am really excited about.) Before I knew it, I woke up, except the sun was out, I looked at my time and it was 7:15!!!! My alarm must have went off, but I turned it off. :( 

SILLY FACE

I shared my frustration with my husband and again, he came to my rescue and agreed to wake up a bit earlier so that I could get in 3 miles in our neighborhood.  As I began running, I felt a lot of release, some of it was worry, frustration, stress.  Honestly, I ran the first mile of my run ANGRY.  I needed to, it is my way of release.  I cried a little and like always, God met me, He always does when I run.  I know that these small little problems/ setbacks, He is allowing to make me stronger.  To make me more aware of life.  To be thankful for the little things in life.  To allow my husband to help me.  To mold me into the mother, wife and daughter of the Most High that I am created to be.  He gave me a mantra today." A thankful heart finishes the race" and "press on" I said it over and over again in my last mile.  It spoke wonders to me. 

BIG SMILE

So this is just me being real.  I had decided that when I started this blog it was going to come with challenges and I was going to share them because sometimes, we must go through struggles, setbacks and pain to get to where we wanna be.  It will make us stronger, it will also allow us to be thankful when we reach our goals.  To look back and remember how far we have come.
After my run, I waked into my house and came into the noises of loud girly laughs and daddy growls and a very "jumpy" dog (She is a jack-chi.)  I instantly felt peace, a calm that only God can give and I know that today is gonna be a good day. It may not be perfect, I will have my struggles, bedtime is gonna be tough again. I will try harder, I will practice the grace and mercy that God gives me for my daughters.  I will try a little harder to get to bed earlier.  I will be thankful that I am alive and that I am surrounded by people who love me. Honestly, I know that I am stronger than these struggles and setbacks, I will not give up.

Week 2 Half Marathon Training completed!!

Okay so I just wanted to write a recap of how my week went.  It was better than last week, but I am still struggling with waking up in the morning.  I have gotten better at it.  Mentally, I think that is where the battle has been.  I know that God is really doing a work in my life through running.  He is changing thoughts that I have struggled with my whole life, one of which is finishing, following through, attaining a goal.  I have always had issues with that, and most of the time, I would feel defeated, and give up.  In High school, when I was in high school, I ran cross country and LOVED it, I had finally found some thing that I was good at, my parents were not really the type to go to races, which really made me feel bad, but later my father mentioned that he wanted me to do things for myself and not for others.  Anyways, I had talent, but lacked self confidence so when a freshman came in and seemed to be better than me, I gave up my junior year.  Another example was finishing high school, I entered my senior year with only 3 credits to finish, I decided to finish school early, move in with a friend, got our own apartment, only to miss too many days and ended up having to finish in the summer.  I didn't complete college, because I got pregnant with my first daughter, not married yet and since I was going to a Christian college, I assumed I wouldn't be able to finish. (which was not the case, they would have let me finish.  It's like I have a fear of finishing.  I haven't quite figured it out, but I do recognize it in my life as a cycle.  I thank God that He reveals these things to me and he is challenging me to break the cycle.  So when I mark out another week, there is this joy in my heart that overwhelms me.
This week, I was faced with an injury scare, I was faced with sleepless nights, I was faced with everyday challenges as a mother and wife.  I had some times in my day where I was attacked by the loneliness as a stay at home mom.  These are things that I go through every week.  I try every day to focus on positive thoughts, focus on the joy my daughters bring me on a daily basis. 

Here is what I had to do this last week:
Day1 30 min Tempo Run
Day 2 3 mile run
Day 3- 3 mile run
Day 4- 3 mile race pace
Day 5- 6 mile run

My first run was on Tuesday, I decided I would do an easy warmup for 10 minutes, then run as hard as I could for 10 mins, then cool down for 10 mins.  I was really surprised to see my fast pace in the middle was 8:01/mi. for 1.26 miles , that really encouraged me to know that I am getting faster!! :)  That was definitely a highlight of my week.  On wednesday I run with a group called back on my feet, and I am always looking foward to that run!! :)  Thurday was when I was feeling my foot hurt so I went on ahead and skipped my workout with plans to combine 2- 3 mile runs on Saturday.  Running with the awesome marathoner that I met on Saturday was a definite highlight as well, he really did motivate me. I was able to run 6 miles in less than 60 minutes with his coaching!!  My last run for the week was a very easy paced 6 mile run I did on sunday in my neighborhood, I use that last long run to relax and reflect on my week, listen to music and just get lost in my thoughts, which is nice every now and then.
The best memory this week was getting home from a run and seeing my daughter Gracie looking out the window.  I love that she was so excited to see me, and right away she knew what I had been doing.  Later on that day she said, "Mommy when I get older I wanna run a marathon like you."  It was so cute how she said it because marathon sounded like it would sound coming from a 3 year old, but it brought tears to my eyes, she may not really know what she meant, but it touched my heart that she sees mommy running, she sees mommy working hard, and she will see mommy run a marathon!! :)

Saturday Surprises!!

Okay so last night in the Messer home was a tough one, my hubby could not sleep, I couldn't sleep (maybe because I has coffee too late) and my girls couldn't sleep!!!! I had planned to go and run with a group that started at 7 so I had to leave my house by 6:30, my poor sweet husband even went into our living room so that I could get a little bit of sleep.  My daughter, Hope fell off her toddler bed (she sleeps crazy) so she ended up in bed with me.  My alarm went off at 5:45 and I turned it off!!! :( I then woke up at 7 and made myself get out of bed!!! I had first decided I would just run in my neighborhood, but then after checking in with the hubby, I decided to go to my favorite paved trail called Silver Comet in Smyrna, Ga, about 15 minutes from where I live.  I knew it would be packed full with runners training for races and cyclists.  I always get bummed out when I go to places where there are a bunch of runners, makes me feel lonely.  I have 1 friend who runs, so I hope to make more runner friends eventually, running alone is nice, but it's also good to have someone to be accountable to, to be pushed.  This had been something that I had been thinking about lately.
It was perfect timing when I arrived from the get-go.  The parking lot was packed, but as I turned around there was one car pulling out, SCORE!! Anyways, Silver Comet is very beautiful, trees surround the path, so most of it is shaded, which I love.  I stretched, turned my Garmin on and was ready to go.  As I started to run I felt my right foot start to relax, which made me relax, now that I look back, I think my elastic laces were pulled to tight which in turn made my foot sore.  After about a mile, I got into a good pace and started to focus on my breathing.  After that was nice and relaxed, I felt someone in back of me, but never passing me, the competativeness in me, kept my pace, maybe even stepped it up alittle, then he appeared, he was an older tall, slender man with an accent.  He asked," How far you going?" I then told him 3miles out 3 miles back.  He then said, "Okay, I run with you, I like your pace."  He had explained to me that he had just done 16 miles and wanted to do a little more before he turned around to go home!! WHOAH!! He was really nice, and he gave me excellent advice, I was very much motivated and inspired listening to his words spoken with passion.  He had run all the races, told me about the race I am going to run, told me about places I should be training, helped me keep my pace.  The list goes on and on, He helped me push the pace at the end as well.  When I clocked 6 miles I stopped and I thanked him for running with me, and he kept on running, not sure how much further he went.  I was totally blessed by this encounter and felt like this was a little reminder from God that He has a plan for me, and it is to fulfill His promise in my life.  I will run a marathon.  This man really inspired me, listening to his passion filled words was just amazing for me. What a great surprise!! Did not expect that at all!!

I ran 6 miles today to get caught up on my training for this week.  I missed 2- 3 mile days. I am supposed to run 6 miles tomorrow but I am not sure I will, we will see how my body feels, more than likely I will, but a very easy relaxed run in the evening when the sun goes down. We shall see.  Here's to pressing on!!

Beginnings of a mommy runner...

So I am 27 years old, married for 4 years in November. I have to be honest when I write 27 I cringe a little. Not that I am ashamed with my age, it’s not that at all. The past couple of years happened so quickly that I feel like I may have fully missed out on them.  Life has been, well, a roller coaster for me and my family. My hubby and I got married during college in 2008. We lost a baby in 2007 before we got married and so when Gracie was conceived we were thrilled, but still not married. When I was about 6 months we took the dive into the unknown...Marriage!! The beginning stages in my pregnancy with Gracie were very scary as I had a couple of hospital visits, she made it and changed our lives FOREVER!! When Gracie was about 6 months, we decided to move from Arkansas to Atlanta, GA. It was probably not the smartest move but we were young and wanted adventure. A couple of months later, I became pregnant AGAIN, this time with TWINS!! When I was about 8 weeks, I found out there were 2 little ones in my womb, a week later… I lost them. You could imagine how devastated we were having to call everyone we called a week before to tell them what had happened. The worst feeling was feeling like sleeping my life away when I still had a baby girl who still needed her mommy. Well about a month and a half later… GUESS WHAT???!!! I WAS PREGNANT AGAIN!!!! This time we really didn't expect it, but it was confirmed that there was a little one growing in my belly. This time I didn't even want to move, I feared losing this baby, but thankfully my baby made it, we named her HOPE and she has truly been hope to our family. With all that said, mommy hood, has been very tough on me.  Loneliness, seclusion, striving to be and do your best everyday and feeling like a failure...  it felt like THIS was my life, like God had nothing else for me, and in a way I was okay with that, but it left me feeling very empty. When I was younger I had dreams, and for some reason in my small little mind I had decided that it was too late. But God, being so faithful, intervened in a very powerful way 4 months ago. I am 5’3 and after I had Hope, I was at my heaviest of 180. I physically could not recognize myself. Before babies I was about 125-130 and a runner. Fear had taken over my life. I felt like I could not move, like life had stopped for me. Depression had taken over. Little by little God started to remind me of how great it used to feel to run. I played with the thought, but then it changed, it became a dream, a fantasy. It never crossed my mind that I could get back to where I was before. After all, I was a closet cigarette smoker who had accepted the fact that I would always be a cigarette smoker because it was the only thing that helped calm my nerves… In February of this year, I was on my treadmill, processing my thoughts, mostly complaining to God about how terrible I feel and how terrible my life is and so on and so forth, I had even started to ask myself why I even get on this treadmill, nothing will become of it… silly me to think I used to believe I could run a marathon one day… To my amazement, God met me there on that treadmill while trying to do a short interval training session. He took my back to a track meet in high school. freshman year, It was our District meet and I ran the JV 3200, the memory of it was so clear I could smell the freshly cut grass, I remember seeing my coach close to the finish line and then another teacher of mine at another part of the track, they were both reminding me of my breathing and my pace and encouraging me, telling me that if I just kept on going I would win this race. There words were so encouraging that I ended up not only winning but lapping some of the girls. At this time I was not running on my treadmill anymore, I was on my knees on my treadmill crying, God reminded me that He was there when I won that race, He reminded me that the passion, the dream, the fire I once had was put into my heart by Him!!! The feeling of racing had overwhelmed me, and instantly I wanted that again!!! So as I stood on my knees, red faced, God made a really great deal with me, all I had to do was FINALLY STOP SMOKING and He would give me my dream of running a marathon… So on March 5, I stopped smoking and started running. I haven't touched a cigarette!!! I have been able to run 10 miles once on the 3 month anniversary and then last week. My 5k time has improved tremendously and I am now beginning to train for my first half marathon in October!!! I am hoping that this blog will encourage others on a similar journey, I hope to meet other mommy runners out there, but I also hope to inspire others out there as well. Losing a baby is not easy and most times, people really don't know what to say or how to heal, so we just tuck in in and try our hardest to forget about it which in turn leaves us feeling… well dead. I hope to met others who have suffered miscarriage, stillborn, and help you walk or run through it!! For me, running has been so therapeutic in this area. Any mommies trying to get your “sexy" back and need support, I would love to connect and encourage!! I am now down to 138 from 180 and LOVE what running has done to my body physically. Running truly has revived me in many ways and I would love to inspire others on this journey as well. GOD IS GOOD and I am so thankful that I am running again!! It has given me much needed ME TIME, helps keep my life in perspective as I’m able to sort out my thoughts while running and I get to rediscover this strong women within me. So this is just the beginnings of a mommy runner, Life has been tough but I have became TOUGH because of life, so I’m gonna keep on running.
Goal: Marathon in the Spring 2013!! Here we GO!!